Friday, September 2, 2011

Evolution of a Survivor

During the abuse pattern we learn to adapt, to reinvent, in order to survive.

We'll use any means necessary - dissociation, self-deprivation, and any other coping mechanism just to convince ourselves that it's what we deserve; forcing ourselves to believe the words in hopes that we can convince our abuser that we see it as the absolute truth, because that's what they keep telling us with each hateful word, each exploitation of our bodies, each fist to our flesh. Every strike becomes truth. After awhile, it becomes an alternate reality for us. then..it becomes our only reality..once we've played the part for long enough.

Yet, we still see glimpses in the mirror here and there of who we used to be, and it makes us feel rage at ourselves for being so weak, which just reinforces what's been screamed in our faces too many times, in too many different ways...and it once again brings us back full circle to our new reality.

We're worthless

We're weak

We deserve it

This is where we belong

I used to think it was a defense mechanism, which again seems to imply a weakness; a subservience. But, it was more than a simple defense mechanism...it was an absolute adaptation; an evolution of everything that defines me.  It was necessary for my survival. I had to sacrifice some of myself in order to survive. It should never have been seen as a weakness, as it is most likely the sole reason I'm still here today.

And so, we evolve from small helpless victim, to a victim with a fighting chance (even if that chance carries the heftiest of price tags), and then, finally, we hone our new skills enough to concentrate on finding our way out and become...

Survivors

And now, as much as we've accomplished already, we still have to evolve as survivors.  The very skills we developed that were crucial to our survival don't just go away. It's still ingrained in our very being that we're undeserving of good! That's what got us through so it can't be wrong! Yet, these thoughts are no longer necessary...how do we just let them go? We were forced to believe them for so long and under such circumstance that they're etched into our very core....

Yes, I'm a survivor but....honestly, that's only half the battle.  Learning how to live again once you bestow the title on yourself is the final hurdle.

We've worked so hard to get to where we now stand - the species of "survivor". It's changed our very perception of the world in relation to us, of ourselves, and of the social structures that we're reaching out to.  We're struggling to reassimilate to a world we don't even see anymore. We still walk into a room knowing that we're below everyone; that we're inferior; that we, for some reason (no matter how illogical), aren't deserving of making it through this social engagement.  We can tell ourselves over and over that that is not reality, but the urgency isn't there to MAKE ourselves believe it.  The flat-out  will to survive isn't there anymore.  So we walk about, day to day, still with that one thought in the back of our minds, that "yes, I'm a survivor and I'm damn proud of that, but I still don't believe I deserve this new reality I've been given."

It wasn't given. It wasn't handed out.  YOU had to change every single fiber of your being in order to survive, but the fight is not over. You need to continue on your own personal evolutionary path to triumph over exactly what you created yourself to be.  And just when you think the hard work is done, you realize that once again you need to retrain yourself; adapt; evolve....and this time you don't have that volatile force pushing you - you have only you....

But YOU is all you need....YOU are enough - you've got this, I promise.  It's just a couple more steps....